Issue 5 | Imposter
Navigating Imposter Syndrome, Winter Blues, and Self Care
a little caffeinated is my little corner of the internet. This week, I’m working through paralyzing imposter syndrome, feeling the back-to-work/winter blues, and what I’m doing to deal with it.
The Recap
So it’s been a minute or two (or 7 months) since I last wrote a newsletter or blog post. Let me catch you up since July…
🙇🏼♀️ I dabbled with going back to school by taking a programming class at my alma mater during the fall semester. While I loved the class (and even got an A-), it took up all my free time after working a full-time job and it left me exhausted. It left me without any mental energy to pursue any of my creative outlets, such as this newsletter, and that bummed me out. How does one work full-time, and go back to school, without losing your soul/spirit/personality in the process? Asking for a friend.
🏒 While my mental energy tank was empty, I somehow had enough physical energy to continue playing lots of hockey (my first season ever playing was last summer). I went up to Breckenridge for the Oktoberfest Women’s Hockey Tournament and signed up with a random team. It was such a blast and they made me feel welcome and like I had a great community, so I joined their team in addition to my beer-league hockey team.
🎂 I celebrated turning 35 by going to 2 Halloween parties (I’m an October 29th baby), playing hockey, going to a sushi dinner with family, another sushi dinner with friends, another dinner with another side of my family, and escaping to Steamboat Springs for a weekend with my husband.
🎄 We spent Christmas and New Year’s visiting my in-laws in Spain, and it was nice to see everyone. I was sick for nearly the entire trip which was unfortunate, but it’s also something that seems to happen as soon as my body says "ok, you can rest now”. Can anyone else relate?
And on to imposter syndrome…
You may have noticed that I’ve been super quiet on my blog and my newsletter for quite some time. Part of this has been due to my demanding schedule, especially with adding a class into the mix of working full-time and trying to make time for relationships and hobbies. However, another part of my absence is due to feeling like an imposter (see imposter syndrome). Imposter syndrome has been seeping into every area of my life, leaving me questioning myself in my day job as an engineer, writing my blog, and even this newsletter. Questions such as “Who do I think I am that people will want to read what I write?” or “Am I good enough at my job to defend my point of view with my coworker?” have left me paralyzed with inaction and quiet when I should speak up.
After reading the article I linked to above, the kind of imposter syndrome that I resonate with the most is “The Expert”. It’s a constant struggle for me to move past that feeling of inadequacy; I’m left thinking that I have nothing to offer the world if I’m not an expert in whatever discipline.
There are a couple of issues with this mind loop. First, I won’t ever be an expert in anything if I abandon all the things I could be working on improving (re: writing). Second, what other people in my life tell me about me, doesn’t align with my negative self-talk. I have proven myself very capable in many ways, but yet, I am often the last one to see this.
So these are little things I’m trying to shift in my mindset. I’m trying to just go for it (whatever it may be) even if it feels a little uncomfortable. I’m trying to eliminate the “you can’t do this” self-talk, and replace it with encouragement.
Dealing with imposter syndrome is kind of like procrastinating on ripping off a bandaid in a particularly hairy part of your body. You know you need to just do it and get those feelings over with, but you keep putting off the inevitable discomfort, and the patch of raw, vulnerable, exposed flesh you’re about to have. Coming back to this newsletter, for one, is me accepting that this bandaid has been abandoned a little too long. I know I’m going to wrestle with some uncomfortable feelings at first, but it’s going to be refreshing once I’m past the self-doubt, and doing what I love a lot more regularly.
I can’t be alone in this… I want to know, in what areas of your life are you experiencing imposter syndrome (if any) and what are you doing to work through it? Comment below - I’m sure it would be helpful for others to read about your own experiences too.
And now on to winter blues and some things I’ve been doing to take care of myself…
This winter has been especially hard on me. Having grown up in Colorado, I’m normally one with winter™️. But this year, between me starting the year off with 3 different colds, facing a really (REALLY) cold spell in the Front Range, and not seeing the sunlight on weekdays thanks to my office job, I’m over this winter.
Many people struggle with seasonal affective disorder, and while I’m not sure I have it, I do notice a general shift in my mood and overall well-being when I don’t take care of the basics (drinking enough water, getting enough sunlight, exercising regularly, and eating well… see meme above) during this season. Coming out of a cold, miserable winter unscathed is only achievable with a lot of tender, loving, self-care.
Some ways that I implement self-care that make me feel better:
Listening to music on my vinyl player instead of my phone
Cooking comforting meals like this one
Sitting under 30 blankets (it’s a vibe)
Doing some extravagant skincare routines
Going on daily walks, even if they are short
Calling friends to talk, rather than just scrolling on my phone
Sitting in the hot sauna at my gym
Planning a cute outfit the night before going to work so that I don’t have to think about it in the morning
Drinking around 3L of water a day (seriously, it’s dry here and I get headaches if I don’t stay hydrated)
Getting cozy in bed and reading a good book.
These are tried and true methods that almost instantly boost my mood. My days are so much better when I maximize the time I stay in bed in the morning (I am not a morning person at all), so it helps to get a lot of my to-dos out of the way the evening before. Normally, I push myself to work out, eat clean, and keep busy, but lately, I have been embracing comfort food, getting into bed earlier, and my blanket burrito lifestyle.
What are your favorite ways to cheer yourself up and take care of yourself during these cold winter months?
A few (random but interesting) links…
It’s soup season and I’m going to be making this one and this one again soon. This Costco Street Taco Kit is a huge favorite in my house and makes frequent reappearances. I really (really) enjoyed Fargo Season 5 (tw: domestic violence). The acting is incredible and it’s got a very heavy ‘girl power’ vibe. I’m currently reading Argylle and can’t stop thinking about this conspiracy theory… Loved Victoria Monét’s and Olivia Rodrigo’s dresses at the Grammy’s last night…
Three things I’m enjoying this week…
The Retrievals - I think I learned about this podcast through an advertisement on another podcast I was listening to, and the topic intrigued me. The premise is that hundreds of women were going to a fertility center for egg retrievals, and experiencing an unexpected amount of excruciating pain during what should have been a fairly painless procedure. Without going into too many details, it was discovered that one of the nurses was diverting Fentanyl for her own use. It raises a lot of important questions like, how do we as a society or justice system decide whose pain was worse, why do women consistently get ignored when they express they are experiencing pain, and why are larger healthcare organizations, like Yale University, failing to put systems in place to prevent things like this from happening in the first place?
Big Reds Original Hot Sauce - When I was in Steamboat Springs last summer, I stopped by Big Reds Hot Sauce stand at the local farmers market. I am a sucker for hot sauce, especially on eggs. I have to say, I’m impressed with the flavor. There are a few different levels of heat, and I got the original one. It’s not spicy to me at all (and I can handle a lot of heat). I think that makes it perfect for breakfast food, where I don’t want to overwhelm my stomach too much.
Forest App - As someone with ADHD who is choosing to not use medication, I find myself getting very easily distracted by my phone. I love using this app, especially when I need to work for short windows of time. It’s easy to use and the premise is really cute. Before starting your window of work, you select the tree or shrub you would like to plant, select the amount of time you’d like to concentrate, and then hit start. If you leave the app before your time is up (aka - if you are tempted to look at social media or whatever distracts you) you kill your tree. The goal is to plant a forest. You can also raise the stakes and select ‘kill your forest’ if you leave the app, which is what I have mine set to. This is awesome for back-to-school, or just getting more done at work.
Thanks for reading… As always, feel free to listen along to a little caffeinated playlist. I added a few songs my friends introduced me to during a road trip to Steamboat Springs last summer, and a few other songs I’ve discovered recently!
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